Today I had a break down. A break down over the smallest inconveniences that happened to be at the same time. I was watching my niece Saylor and the dogs and everything was fine, the day actually went better than most days babysitting. But, as soon as my mom came to relief me it happened. A sudden hit of tiredness, hotness, and just over all irritation. I am not sure what caused this, usually after a long day with a kid or the crazy puppies or just being non stop all day, the hotness coming from my body and irritation starts to arise. I am not proud of my temper u can call it or maybe just impatience or lack of sleep , but it has been a thing ever since I can remember and it usually ends in a mental break down.
I am not sure if I have these mental breaks every few months because I hold feelings in, or if it's that time of the month coming soon and my hormones are all out of wack but I hate when they come. And when the mental breakdown comes, it is very hard to stop the process.
I know I have trauma, my family, friends, boyfriends something always was happening but that doesn't mean that I didn't have a great childhood because I did. I was loved as much as I could be loved, I had a great support system, maybe I didn't use it to the best of my abilities or know how. But, I would say I grew up pretty well rounded and supported.
Ever since my last relationships or even in college I have been more self aware of my feelings and emotions. That doesn't mean I always process them correctly or even at all. I have dived in to trauma healing from the body especially the hips. I have had hips irritation since highschool but I didn't know if it is because I played a sport, genetic, or trauma associated. So I have started to try to heal my body trauma and lets say theres a little something in there. But nevertheless, I have been trying to figure out why I get so annoyed and irritated so easily, why I overthink every little detail and thing in my life, and why I have these mental break downs.
I know I have grown within myself because I would never admit this kind of trauma or emotions to anyone not even my self. So yay for progress!
But, to go on with my mental break down today (8/3/23) my mom came and Saylor was being feed by her and the dogs were just chilling. For some reason, Saylor and the dogs are attached to my moms hips. But, that doesn't mean I'm not liked by them, they just have a special place for my mom because honestly everyone should. Anyways, my sister's yard is getting concert poured and there is currently no stairs to the back door. So, the dogs have to be taken out from the garage into the back gates and lets just say it is defiantly not ideal. So, I was about to leave my sisters house because I left the irritation/mental breakdown coming on and I thought I would try to over come it , help my mom out and take the dogs out to the back. I try to get them to come to the garage. No budge. Okay fine they just need a little push, boy was I wrong. They ran away from me like I was trying to hurt them or something. So my mom takes them out, so I watch Saylor. OMG, Saylor is screaming out the top of her lungs , remember she is attached to my mom. So I'm already annoyed and so I go outside. My mom only took Maxx outside so I give Saylor to my mom so she stops crying. Barry is being crazy inside barking. Mind you, Brian (sister's hubby) is trying to sleep because he's a cop and works nightshift 10pm-7:30am but had to work till noon instead and he trying to sleep and I feel bad if he gets woken up. So Barry wont let me fucking touch him to take him outside to be with Maxx. OMG. I was breathing telling myself everything was okay but damn was it hard. I finally got Barry out, i think idk i blacked out. So, helped the dogs inside and boy was I bout to lose it.
I hate how stupid it sounds now. Idk why they happen but I would like too. I cried when I got into the car, everything hit me at once in the car. From not being in college living a great life, to no softball, to all my past relationships (this last one man), to not feeling good enough. I was thinking about everything bad because of a couple of inconveniences. I have a great life I do, I just need to get in control of my mind and emotions.
I got to reflecting and thinking in the car. I think I was triggered because no one wanted me, it felt like. The dogs wouldn't let me take them out, Saylor screamed bloody murder because my mom left. And I have felt like that with friends (especially now with the transition and events that have happened), and past relationships of some people just not really respecting me or even care if I am in there life enough to be halfway decent (The bare minimum), or even my family they told me I mean or didn't care bout my decisions or just didn't show they cared. I have always felt abandoned or ALWAYS the second choice even from elementary school. There was ALWAYS a Lauren that was better liked or more popular than me. Yes, I am being the victim but maybe in some cases I am. I just know that was a trigger for me today. Which fits because I have an anxious attachment style. But, the fact that I could get to the root of the problem and know I need to work on know IM worth it and I AM the best Lauren Walls there can be because there is no one even close to being me, and to know that even if everyone in my life left, I HAVE MYSELF.........
and that is more than enough.
I made progress today, let the new journey begin.
Until next time,
Lauren Walls
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